1Bummer Tornado Destroys Cool Jail
Amy Vorpahl and Erika Ishii's top story tonight: Mike Trapp is a little bitch.
2Freaky Lobsters Form Fashion Fad
John Milhiser and Jess Ross break a scandal about a sexy photo on a computer in Japan.
3Unimpressive Colleges Join Cheating Scandal
Shukri Abdi and Tao Yang report on summertime fun while Jess does the impression of her life.
4You Missed My Soccer Games, Dad
Brian Huskey and Raph are a father-son news team with issues to work out (on air).
5Climbing Gym Opens on Disappointing Riverwalk
Lauren Lapkus and Mary Holland dive deep in the local business of a lame town.
6Disgruntled Sewer Men Demand to Meet Ninja Turtles
Patrick McDonald and Katie Marovitch try to cancel teeth, but get distracted by their side projects.
7On-Set Hijinks: George Clooney Refuses to Leave Trailer
Mike Trapp interviews Mary Holland about a new movie that combines ABBA, Avatar, and the moon.
8Man Turns Home into Home Depot
Vic Michaelis and Rekha report on a town that deserves rain, and a Wolf Blitzer tongue twister.
9"Jazzy Taint" Sweeps the Nation
Mary Holland and Grant break stories on a mascot update and a hot new celebrity power couple.
10Webster's Adds New Word for Friend-Zoning Dermatologist
Rekha interviews Lauren Lapkus on her winning entrant for the Biggest Hog Contest at the state fair.
11Weatherman Confuses El Niño with La Llorona
Raph & Rekha ask "where are they now?" about Soviet space dogs & take a lady soap company to task.
12Super Long Diner Menu Sets New, Stupid Record
Caldwell Tanner & Ryan Creamer report on the hottest new festivals, from The Babadook to Cream Town.
13We're Here, We're Queer, We're Deer
Katie and Ele Woods give Daddy Updates & report on what Henry Winkler has been making out to.
14One in Four Americans Attracted to Their Sexy Cars
Brennan & Tao share auto-erotic tips from the Carfax fox and realize everyone has a cousin Ray.
15True Facts about Grant Anthony O'Brien
Brennan, Lily, and Tao give an in-depth report on Grant, from bad acting to bad bottoming.
16Inspector Gadget's Death Sparks Oscar Buzz
Jeffrey Self and Grant question the wetness of your shower and the necessity of Lutherans.
17Song of the Summer Offers Hard Spankings for the Boys
Andy Bustillos & Lily get the scoop on the whoop in the night, while teens trick Tao with Look Bait.
18Spaghetti Shack Shakes Up Galleria
Kimia Behpoornia and Brennan go nuts for noods before Tao gives them a marinara serenade.
19Dinosaurs Were Technically Birds
Elaine Carroll & Sam ignore a local murder and Brennan lists the perverted things that turn him on.
20Which of Your Friends Has Their Amber Alerts Turned Off?
A weatherwoman looks for Dean Cain in the rain. Brennan shares the “Marley and Me” of bunny stories.
21Big Brother’s Little Sister Cannot Be Turned Off
Chunky Scoop, the bad boy of the group, serves up piping hot news on the newest prescription drugs.
22Moose Running Loose through the Mall of America
Grant and David Kerns report that only three raisins a day are enough to make you gross.
23Delicious Kitchen Fire Caramelizes Dozens of People
Stamps Dotcom & Marc Maron report that Russian Space Dog is back, and it thinks it’s better than us.